I have a complicated relationship with Instagram

For the last six days, we've been hanging out in the gifts of confusion and questioning everything. If you've been doubting yourself and feeling uncertain and foggy about where you're going, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. Don't fret, we're moving out of these gates in a minute. But while we're here, I have questions (about everything), but most importantly, about connection. Let's start at the beginning. My husband joined Facebook before I did. He was Facebook friends with girls he'd skied with in college and I thought that was super sketchy. A few months later, I'd joined Facebook and reconnected with tons of teammates from every stage of life. When Instagram started, I didn't get it. It took me about a year to finally join and then I had a lot of fun with it. I'd joined a triathlon team and loved connecting with my teammates through IG. It felt like a playground to me. And then I started trying to use Instagram for my business. I'd share personal experiences and lessons and tell people how they could work with me. I got some strange responses like the weird 'congratulations' when there was nothing to congratulate me on and the 'because you talk about Human Design so much, I went and got a reading (with someone else)'. It wasn't exactly working as a marketing tool. I met someone who said she could help me build my business by growing my Instagram without using bots or following random people. That didn't quite work out either. I was still having so much fun connecting with people on IG, but I felt pressure to post and often found myself composing posts in my head instead of being present in my life. I did not like that and every once in a while, I'd treat myself to a brief break from social media. In 2020, I shared a personal experience and lesson I learned. One of my best friends from college commented on my post and accused me of something awful. I was horrified, shocked, ashamed and so much more. I remember shaking for a few days. I went off social media for two weeks after that. Two weeks turned into 4 years. I didn't miss it at all. And then one day in 2024, I was researching something about a race and found myself on Instagram. It was just a few minutes a day at first and it felt like candy. When I broke my collarbone, I connected with a pro triathlete who'd broken her collarbone a few weeks before me. She was so helpful, telling me which one-shouldered sports bras to buy and directing me to the pulley system that would help me get my range of motion back quickly. Watching her recovery was so inspiring. I officially returned to Instagram that fall. I decided just to share my life and not even talk about my business. I curated my feed so it was just dogs and triathlon. I unfollowed loads of weird accounts I was somehow following. I shared updates on my recovery. I made new friends. And then when we went on a 2-month camper adventure, I shared photos from our travels. Sometimes I'd find myself thinking about the dog and triathlon accounts when I wasn't scrolling. I'd feel pressure to create posts like theirs or suddenly worry that something they shared would happen to me or my dogs. It felt icky. So I went off Instagram, again. It's been almost a year. I don't miss it, but I'm really craving connection. I miss the friendships I created and nourished through Instagram. Is instagram the only way to connect? I'm uninterested in look-at-me culture, I don't want to prove anything to anyone and I don't want to sell anyone anything. I just want to play with my friends and make new friends. I don't want to go on facebook. I don't want to create videos for YouTube. Substack doesn't feel like a clubhouse. I'm open to suggestions! I love you. Love, Kelsey P.S. And good news: we move into the gate of revelations tomorrow. So, perhaps, as my friend Monica says, 'all will be revealed.'