what I did about it? nothing.

A few days ago I was in the throes of life. The busiest week I've ever had after the busiest month I ever had. My stress was through the roof, which caused my gut to go off the rails. Frankly, I was just at a breaking point. That was when I wrote this 'journal entry' of sorts. I am sharing it as it was, from that day, to show the messy middle. Then we can talk about the takeaway because after a few days to breathe, I now see it in a new light. Designer's Digest is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. I feel like I'm in limbo. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen and I have no control. Our property manager is going to start giving tours of the house we rent. We have finished the demo at the new house and are waiting for our flooring. In the meantime there's stuff we can do. We can paint the rooms. I can re-stain the wood paneled wall, I can start ordering light fixtures. I can start planning out colors and mood boards, but I'm in a point right now where I'm waiting and I have no control and it feels slightly crippling. I can't order the flooring until I get the quote back and that is something that is time sensitive because once I place the order for the flooring, I then have to wait for it to be delivered to the warehouse, transported to my house and then it has to acclimate to the temperature and the moisture of the house before it can be installed. We're planning on moving on September 25. I feel like we're working on a really tight timeline and will likely move in without the floors installed. There's nothing I can control in this moment. Same thing with the rental house, the property manager can start touring our house, which would be deeply inconvenient for me as I work from home and spend most of my time there, but I don't want to be responsible for paying more rent because technically we are breaking our lease. There are some really big changes happening with the business as well and that also feel out of my control. Some of the projects are waiting on things from outside sources, such as bids from contractors, responses from fabricators and so much more. Everything is feeling out of my control and it's taking a toll on me. I have always felt like I needed control from a young age because the environment that I grew up and was very volatile. I grew up much sooner than any child needed to and I'm still having a hard time letting go of those patterns. I try to trust that everything is going to work out, that I'm on the right path, that I know what I'm doing, that everything is fine, but it is extremely hard for me. Control means safety. When I don't have it I feel like everything is going wrong. I know that's not true and I know that this is a really big season of life for me between buying the house, the design work, I'm writing a book, I'm starting a YouTube channel, all things that are really huge accomplishments and I am so so grateful. With so many things happening at once there's usually one thing that I can grasp to fill that need for control and I'm trying hard to let go of that. I think because of that need to control I'm operating in a very restrictive place. I feel the need to grip something so tightly that it can't go away. I wish I had some big takeaway on what I'm doing to change this habit but instead, I'm just sharing it in the moment. Having a business is hard, it's difficult. It's one of the biggest challenges I've ever experienced in my life. I've learned more about myself through owning a business than any other thing I've ever experienced. It pushes me in new directions, makes me see ways which I have fallen into patterns, it's exposing the parts of me that I need to work on and it's a lot. So here I am conscious stream of thoughts, trying really, really, really hard to let go of control at least to some extent. The need for control is something I work on often in therapy. It isn't a one and done solution. In the moment I wrote that I felt completely consumed by the anxiety. So what did I do? Nothing. I let go to some extent, but in reality I just existed as I was. I have been shown time and time again that everything will work itself out (though often not in the way I would like, but that's a whole different can of worms). That's not to say all of these things are completely solved and went smoothly, but with some time and some space the crippling sensation went away. I was able to view things strategically rather than in absolute panic. I feel human again. Subscribe now