I grossly underestimated my body's exhaustion.

Last night, just before going to sleep, I realised something. My body is holding so much exhaustion from all the work and journeys we've experienced in the last half-decade. Yes, a big part of my healing journey is over. Soul-wise, I feel the best I've ever been. I love each and every part of me. And I'm also working on making my body stronger, seen and loved. But I haddismissedthe depth of her exhaustion. Or not paid attentionenough. I always knew it was a repercussion of the insane number of death-and-rebirth cycles we went through…a lifetime of healing packed into five years. I genuinely couldn't be more grateful for it, and looking back, it was meant to happen exactly as it was. But I didn't realise until now that I hadn't purely given her space to exhale and be, you know? To rest. Not rest out of exhaustion. Or process. Or tap out - which are my usual modes. Rest just because. By breathing. By being present. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * So far, resting for me has always been a means to gain just enough energy to move on to the next phase of life. Or job. Or it could be something I'm excited about. Like gaining the next 10% energy to push through, until I feel exhausted again. This is where my Aries energy plays out in full force; being great at initiation. Even though in the last few years the burn and crash cycle has definitely calmed down, it still exists in its own way. Now, it feels like my newly heightened sensitive body needs at least 3 months of doing NOTHING (just flowing into my daily rhythms) to come to at least 0. From negative. Especially after the whacky first half of the year. I want to put rosemary water in my hair every day (god knows, the first symptom of burnout for me is always hair fall). Go swimming. Go to the shops and get organic food. Be intentional about what I put within me. Make my home smell good. Put kolam (designs made by rice flour just outside the steps of our homes) every day and spend time before god. Journal my heart out. Write with all my soul. Be completely present in my sessions and work. Spend at least 15 to 20 min with my husband drinking coffee. Water plants. You know? Focusing completely on myself. That's the thing when I'm exhausted…all the ways I want to nurture and nourish myself go out the window, and I end up doing bare-minimum things for me, going into survival mode. Just because it's easier, until I get to the next step. How the hell did our mothers and grandmothers go on and on everyday with just 30 min of afternoon nap??! It's insane! On a normal day, I need 2 hours! At this point, exhaustion has become a part of me. Like an old friend constantly existing. To the point where my parents ask me to go to the doctor frequently. I have taken blood tests, by the way, and it's all mostly fine. Other than the usual vitamin D and B12 deficiency:) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For the older version of Shruthi, 3 months of complete rest where I just focus on myself, my work and home (basically no outside involvement) would seem nuts. Now, there's nothing I crave more. Because I've realised that every time something new comes up, I get even more tired. I don't want to live like this anymore. I just want to tend to her. At the same time, there's also an intense knowing that it probably can't happen unless I move to the Antarctic or something. Because life happens. Because I have loved ones whose lives I completely want to be a part of. And because this spiritual journey that has given me this bone-deep tiredness has also given me family and friends that the younger Shruthi would have given anything for, you know? I want to be there when my partner is tired, when my grandma needs help, when my parents want to take trips, prioritising themselves for the first time in god knows how long, when friends get new jobs or are going through difficult times, or when my sisters come to visit, and I haven't met them in months. I'm not a people-pleaser who doesn't know how to set boundaries, nor am I someone who lives to constantly cater to others. I see people in my life who show up endlessly, and I'm in awe of them - I'd love to reach that standard from pure love someday, but I'm not there yet. What I give today is simply my default. It's what I can offer with an open heart, and the people around me understand that completely. And yet, there's irritation, frustration, and grief that sometimes I do not have the energy for even this. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * There's this tiny part of me that feels like a weirdo for being so sensitive. Even if the soul immediately comes to rescue. My partner travels 1.5 hours to and fro his office AND spends 8 hours there! With people constantly around him. Every single weekday! It sounds like my form of personal hell. That's when the mind's voice comes up. When I see 'normal' people. She says: 'But what are you exhausted of? Running your dream business? Staying at home? Having awesome loved ones? Really Shruthi?!' I know it's not going to be like this forever. I know my loved ones will understand and give me space. I know I am going to become more conscious about resting in the way my body deserves. But a part of me is still so damn impatient. She wants to recover TODAY so she can do all the things her soul yearns for and spend all the time with her people. As usual, the emotions are tangled. There's love, gratitude, grief, exhaustion, confusion, frustration, and a deeper understanding of myself, all tied up in one ball. Right now, my soul is simply telling me to take a deep breath. To take things one step at a time, one day at a time. I can also feel that in the next 4 months, I'll be able to slow down intentionally. Yes, there will be a lot of changes and movement, but I'll be able to find my slowness irrespective of that. That's what the fire horse energy is guiding me to do. I don't need to break my head trying to force a perfect balance. I'll get there, slowly and surely, until my whole body is filled with energy again. So until then, that's what I'm going to do. That's who I want to be. Figuring it out, one moment, one day at a time. Until next time, Shruthi Unspoken Selves This is a self-led Notion space where you meet 8 identities and voices you've hidden, silenced, shunned or buried. The ones that don't serve you anymore. Together, we'll bring them into the light, hold them with compassion, and integrate them or let them go so you can finally come home to yourself. Every identity contains a personal reflection, a channelled message, a Tarot/Oracle card reading and a Reflection Portal. To bring you gently or fiercely back to yourself, your power and being. Enter Unspoken Selves Here ($11) 1:1 Soul Work Facilitation This is where we go deepest. In our 1:1, we hold space for your emotions, shadows, and power, so you stop fighting with yourself, reclaim what's already yours, and begin building the life and business aligned to your purpose. We step fully into your safety, fullest expression and walk the most magnificent, magickal path your soul has been guiding you towards all along. Explore if you want to go deeper P.S.: And because time zones are a bitch sometimes, please DM directly if you don't find a time or have questions to clarify.