HELP!

TW: Mental Health, Suicidal Ideations, Dark Thoughts My voice betrayed me; it came out too sweet. I'd been trying for months to get enough courage to reach out for help. I didn't know what was going on inside of me, but it scared me. I'd never felt so dark. 'Are you calling for information about yourself or someone else?' the voice on the other end of the phone responded. 'Me. I'm just…' I paused briefly. 'I'm just struggling with my mental health and wanted to see what resources are available.' My tone carried a confidence and professional cadence that could not have been more opposite of the emotions inside me. Something within me was screaming for help. Begging, really. Please. Please notice how broken I am. Something is very wrong. I need help. Please. Please tell me how to get help. I am scared. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to ask for help. I don't want toneedhelp. But I do. 'Of course,' the voice continued. 'We have a specialized in-patient program for women in crisis as part of our psychiatric unit. Care usually lasts from a few days to a few weeks, but of course it varies based on individual need, as determined by an assigned team of doctors, psychiatrists, and other caregivers who work with our patients. We have a few openings, but they are for women who arereallystruggling and actuallyneedimmediate, comprehensive care. Would you be interested in counseling or other out-patient services?' She clearly didn't think I was in need. My voice had been way too chipper. Too put together. She couldn't hear my silent pleas for help. What shocked me the most was how automatic it was for my tone to switch. My voice became sickeningly pleasant even in the exact moments Ineededmore help than I felt like I'd ever needed before. My entiresoulfelt like it was withering away, yet my pleas for help were no more effective than the recurring dream I'd had since I was a child—the kind where you scream for help but there is only silence. The kind where everyone around you continues to go about their business, oblivious to the fact that you are fighting to save your life.