Please press 9 to lose your mind

. The writer is a Harvard Project Zero–trained educator and internationally published writer and journalist Thank you for calling customer service. For English, press 1. For Urdu, press 2. For complaints, press 3. For payments, press 4. For technical support, press 5. For all other issues, please press 6. For absolutely no reason whatsoever, please press 7. To spend the next forty-five minutes questioning every decision that brought you to this phone call, please press 8. And if you would like to completely lose your mind, please press 9. I pressed 9. Obviously. What else was I supposed to do? Calling customer service has become less like asking for help and more like entering a government examination you did not study for. And then comes the greatest lie in modern customer service: "Your call is important to us." Is it? If my call was actually important, why am I listening to the same thirty-second piece of elevator music for the seventeenth time? At this point, I know the music better than I know myself. I have developed a relationship with it. I know exactly when the little piano comes in. I know when the mysterious flute starts. I know when it loops. I know when it loops again. I am no longer waiting for the person I am being transferred to. I am waiting for the next verse. Then, suddenly, someone answers. "Hello, how may I assist you?" I immediately become hopeful. "This is my problem " "Sure, ma'am. Please hold." Excuse me? You just arrived. You have been here for six seconds. Where are you going? And there it is again. The music. The beautiful, haunting soundtrack of my suffering. Twenty minutes later, someone returns. "Thank you for holding." I want to ask, "Did you enjoy your holiday?" But I remain polite. "Yes." "Can you please explain your issue?" I explain. Again. Because apparently the previous person did not explain it to this person. I explain it carefully. I explain it slowly. I explain it like I am teaching a five-year-old how electricity works. The representative says, "I understand." Delightful. My faith in the system is restored. Then comes the sentence that destroys all hope. "Please hold while I transfer you to the relevant department." I have been transferred so many times that I am beginning to wonder whether I am still a customer or whether I have died and this is my afterlife. And also...why do they make us repeat everything? "Please provide your name." I provide it. "Account number?" I provide it. "Phone number?" I provide it. "Please explain your issue." I explain it. "Can you confirm your name?" My dear friend. We have already discussed this. You asked me my name before my account number. My name has not changed during this phone call unless the hold music has somehow caused a spiritual transformation. Then there are the automated systems that ask you to speak. "Please say your account number." I say it. "Sorry, I didn't understand that." I say it again. "Sorry, I didn't understand that." Now I am speaking louder. "123456789." "Sorry, I didn't understand that." What exactly do you want from me? Should I sing it? Should I perform it? Should I stand on one leg and try a different accent? At this point, I understand why robots are going to take over the world. And then, miraculously, you finally reach a human being. You think you have won. You have not. They tell you: "Unfortunately, we cannot resolve this from our end." Of course. Why would we resolve anything today? Maybe one day customer service will finally become so advanced that you will not need to call anyone. You will simply stare at the screen. Please press 1 to scream. Press 2 to cry. Press 3 to speak to an agent. Press 4 to repeat the entire process. And please press 9 to lose your mind.