A Note for College Students from a Priest Starting 23rd Grade

On the first day of school this year, I noticed a young guy wandering around the student center lobby at Catholic University. Smartly dressed, new shoes, new backpack, nice hairdo. 'Freshman.' He was wide-eyed and, I'll say, looked lost. While I stood in line at the bookstore order pickup, he weaved around the bookstore, checking his phone with quick glances, before he finally walked up to me and said heydoyouknow is this is this thelinetoget textbooks? Sure is, my guy, and welcome to Catholic U! Interestingly, he turned on his heel (I don't think I've ever seen someone actually do that) and left. 'Good for him,' I thought. In a totally planned world, where it can feel really embarrassing not to know something, here was a kid who went out of himself and asked a stranger a question. Being in a new place is hard…likereallyhard, especially if it's your first time away from home or your own to figure things out. (It can be just as hard in the day-to-day! I'd rather ask Google where Jewel keeps something than ask an employee for help.) It's been fun to watch our bunch of priests studying Canon Law at Catholic University try to figure out where our classes are, where the dining hall is, what the shortcuts around campus are, and, like our friend from earlier, exactlywhere to pick up these blessed textbooks. (Hint: it's the sawed-in-half VW Microbus around the corner in the bookstore) In a formation talk just before ordination, one of the seminary psychologists told us something that has stayed with me and helped me be more patient with myself as I have moved or changed assignments. He gave us a list of life's top 5 most difficult transitions and pointed out that when a priest moves to a new parish or assignment, it isn't just one or two of these that apply, but every single one. If you're having trouble in your adjustment to college, or wondering why this move has felt likesucha pivot, consider the list: Relocation/moving to a new town or city: some say that moving to a new city, especially on your own, rivals divorce or job loss in the psychological toll it takes. Where am I? Where do I go for food or toothpaste? Will I find 'home' here? Job loss: Starting college is not the same as job loss. But, if you think about it, high school had a lot of the same qualities as a job: going to the same place with the same people, day after day for years, completing a series of tasks or requirements with deadlines and objectives. For a long time (and a very formative time!), that was a mission, a sense of purpose and identity, and now it's gone. In theory, it's been replaced, but we still have to process the change. Ending a long-term relationship: Whether this means a romantic relationship or just personal friendships, there is really a transition here! The staff at Visitation had their offices on the first floor of the rectory, and that meant these people were more than coworkers and, in many ways, were the closest relationships and friendships in my life during that time. Even though there is no shortage of new relationships forming, this transition is hard! Those starting college spent the last 12 years with largely the same group of people; even if you weren't friends, you still saw the same faces in the same hallways for years and years. Everyone seems new and unfamiliar, at least for now. Don't underestimate the toll this takes! Getting a new boss: In college, the boss is you! Mom and Dad aren't here to keep you on track. Are you liking yourself as a boss? Or is it a challenge to keep a lot of plates spinning? (Hey Mom and Dad, if you're trying to run their life from far away, just give it up sooner rather than later. It's not helping you or them… Anne Lamott's great line: 'You can't chase them with water bottles and sunscreen. You have to let them go; it's disrespectful not to.') Retirement: in some ways this one's a stretch. As a confessor, I was really surprised to hear the toll that retirement takes on the person themselves and also on their spouse, children, and friends. When we go off to college, we're obviously not retired, but some of the same difficulties apply. Retirement, like college, is desired and planned for over years, but when it comes, it can leave a person feeling a loss of identity or purpose. 'Not that long ago, I was at the top of my game, the big man on campus, and now I'm not sure what I am or where I fit.' Starting college is a huge transition, and the real toll it takes stems from the fact that so many foundational aspects of life are impacted. Everything from 'Where do I live and where do I eat' to 'what am I doing here and who are my people' is foisted onto the table all at once. And, like so many of life's hardest moments, the only way to really deal with it is todeal with it; the only way to get through it is toget through it. But being proactive helps! So here's a little advice from a priest who's starting 23rd grade and going through these same transitions: Find Your Way.Most of the time, in the beginning, we make beelines between certain places: dorm, food, dorm, gym, dorm, class, dorm. For a couple of weeks, take some time to wander around. Get lost on campus, walk through nearby streets, memorize where things are. As we get ready for the launch of GTA VI, consider your world like the map of an unexplored open-world video game: cloudy and hidden, but the more you explore and wander around, the clearer the map becomes. Find Your People.In 2010, my first year at North Central, I became an expert in bubble shooter online because I was too nervous to put myself out there. The last time I lived in Washington, I went out to eat by myself every night for almost a month because I was too nervous to join everyone in the dining room. But then something happens, or someone says hi, or you strike up a conversation in class about meatloaf or the Bears or a common struggle and, the next thing you know, you've got a ride-or-die.But it takes time. Join groups, go to meetings, do an intramural, and just meet as many people as you can. Find Your Spots.Hello from the window counter at Cool Coffee on 12th Street NE in DC. (I'm mad because the table where I usually sit is taken today.) When I was in Washington last time, I spent so much time here that when I moved back this summer, the owner said, 'Ryan! Where have you been?' Every campus has a little nook or cranny that is out of the way but filled with peace and beauty for those with eyes to see. It's been fixed up by now, but when I was at St. Thomas, I found solace in the shrine to Our Lady of Peace, given to St. Thomas by student-alumni who were also veterans of the world wars. So find a place that can be yours, and go there! Find Your Outlet.If you're an electrical wire in a wall, an outlet is a place to spend yourself. But if you're a plug, it's a place to recharge. Humans, by analogy, have both these needs. You will have plenty of opportunities to spend yourself in college, but the ways you will find life and recharge will not be as clear at first. This will be a major litmus test of your chosen major: I started as an English major, except I hated what I was reading and writing. I struggled through almost every assignment. When I went to graduate school and started studying real theology, I couldn't stop reading and writing; I'd found something there that gave, and still gives, tremendous life and joy. Get yourself a hobby outside of schoolwork, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh and help you become more of the 'you' you'd like to become. Find Your Limits.In the seminary, we had a saying: someone kneeling longer than you is not holier than you; he's just kneeling longer than you.Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides.Your roommate might study longer than you, and maybe that's because they're smarter than you, or maybe that's because they have a crippling fear of failure that has masqueraded as a success fetish. So do your work. Do your work honestly and take responsibility for it. But don't let your life become your work or your work become your life. Everyone should wake up at 5:30 twice a day: take naps! Go for walks, hang out in bookstores.Stop just before you hit your limit, then recharge. Good luck out there, everyone! You've got this. All my best wishes go with you, and I believe in you! Pilgrim's Prologue is a reader-supported publication. 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