four chairs

you run into someone once called the person closest to you your heart starts beating faster before you have time to understand why. the body remembers certain people longer than the mind does your first instinct is to tell them everything then they ask, 'how are you?' in a way that makes you understand the answer doesn't really matter 'i'm good,' you say sometimes the biggest lies are only two words long i don't know what i would have told you maybe that life has been happening to me before i can feel it then, on an ordinary day, my body gives in a fever. a bed. the ceiling maybe the body grieves before we know what we have lost maybe i would have told you about home for a long time i thought home was a place an address i could leave and return to it turns out it was an arrangement four chairs.the same people.sitting in the same places. i had mistaken repetition for permanence other people's parents separated. somehow, i never imagined mine could our family had cracks i just thought the cracks belonged to the structure perhaps that is what childhood is: believing the walls will hold simply because they always have now i look back and see two people who somehow built a life around all that hurt two different fears two different ways of asking to be loved and somehow, thirty-five years and just as all of this began, people from my past started appearing as though someone had knocked over an old box some closeness returned without the feeling that once came with it my body recognised things i had already moved on from they remembered where to find me i wasn't always there anymore 'tanıdık olmak, ait olmak değilmiş' maybe i would have told you all of this maybe none of it because by the time you asked 'how are you?'you had already told me how far away you were so i said i'm good maybe grief is this: her şey yerli yerinde gibi. everyone is still here the house is still standing except home. and no one left to call and say, 'you won't believe what happened' ty for being here. see you on the other side. ♡ https://open.spotify.com/track/3cJvScXrQVCchpz83aNrXq?si=LKyzynCbRIqBou75UoCtjg Subscribe Share Comment