The Kingfisher

I went down to the river to pray early today. It is my favourite part of my new routine, since our latest arrival - the puppy -has meant that I have to get up early to let him out. I have never been an early riser, so it's a wonderful novelty to sit and watch the natural world wake up before many of us stir from our beds. Sitting by the river with my notebook and my prayer app and simply being in nature, is a wonderful feeling, watching early joggers go past, dog walkers stride out, swans take flight and the rowers thud by. The early risers seem the busy ones, getting on with their day. This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. I think for the past year or two, I have been striving and seeking a sort of emotional sense of God which is elusive and I cannot seem to feel - I've had moments of deep connection in the past. It has felt frustrating, I seem to get promptings, a verse or two that pops into my head, a picture for someone as I pray or prophetic word, but the emotional connection I have felt in the past, seems strangely absent. Yesterday, a new, wise, friend said, that they don't see God like that. God is not a feeling and an emotional sensation or experience for him. Some have it like that, but he doesn't. However, he doesn't worry about that chasing that feeling. I realised as he was speaking, that chasing that feeling is itself a distraction, that prevents God guiding my life. As the friend pointed out, God is evident in everything around us, in nature and our being. He is the truth, a 'fact', may or may not be obvious but the truth, even when He is unseen, even when we do not feel, God is all around us. God said, 'I am' and He created the whole universe and the whole world in which we live and gave to human beings his book of instructions on how to life, now we can learn how to discover his ideas and implement them through that book. That is our divine task, to work out our individual gifts and our own purpose that god has for us, both as an individual and also how that will help the world corporately - and bring about his kingdom here on earth, as it is in heaven. This new friend didn't put it quite like that but that's what I began to realise is the inevitable conclusion from what he implied as I sat listening to him. It was inspiring and freeing and made me realise I had been judging myself and my faith from previous spiritual experiences and found myself wanting and that longing had actually been preventing from hearing and receiving what God truly has in store for me right now in this presence moment. So I sat by the river and I realised that God isn't always felt, but Heisalways present. He is just as self evident in the dawn, in the leaves, in the sunrise and sunset, in the goodness bustling of life all around us, as he is in the worship tent of some spirit filled festival. This is the way that we can turn to him and follow Him by realising He is in everything, but also behind and beyond it. For like the universes we cannot see, behind and beyond them there is the great 'I am' the breath we breathe, the creator of life itself. So vast is his presence, we cannot grasp it and sometimes, like the fish who doesn't understand the concept of water because it is all around, so we don't understand the world God made for us because it just is always there, a sign of his love which is just always there. The friend continued saying, that this is the reason to mediate on God's book day and night because it is in reading and mediating on the Bible we know the mind of God. Who we hang out with affects how we think and feel and so it is with us, which is his words through the medium of human beings down the ages, is learning about God and getting to know Him. It is tuning us in to the way He thinks about us and about the world. It isHisthoughts and as we read them they becomeours. So why should we read the Bible? So we can think like God and see the world like God and become and know the desire He has and destiny and purpose for our life, not just collectively but individually- He speaks to each heart through it. The Bible then is our manual on how to think and be like God and how to truly love him and so love the world as He does. It is our way of seeking Him of pressing on and pursuing Him and we are so easily distracted by other things. But when we focus on it, when we do, our life becomes better, clearer, engaged in the purposes and plans He has for our life. Is it easy? No! We are in a spiritual battle a fallen world where the devil wants to discourage you from growing and distract you from your purpose, distorting truth with half truths, making you feel you are not 'worth' it, that your sins will separate you from the divine source of love forever, so that you may and must seek fulfilment elsewhere and fill that gap with other temporary things- fleeting pleasures- or work. Resist it! Resist this desire to be loved easily in ways that harm and kill you or become obsessed by things that are temporary and so not matter. Resist and they will flee from you! So is the world filled with challenges? Difficulties to be overcome? Yes! But as we turn to God he helps us overcome them- He takes what the devil would use for evil and turns it to good. Like Christ had to face when he was mocked, deserted and left to die by his closest friends, his disciples. Peter denied Jesus three times, just as he tried to stay close to hear the verdict of the trial, the point of darkness in his life, the darkest point, which Jesus in his compassion knew would happen and predicted, perhaps so that Peter understood Jesus knew his fear and loved him anyway? I think Peter wept not just out of remorse, but because he knew Jesus loved him anyway, even knowing what he would do and the shame but also the brokenness of himself forced him to go back to the cross and ask for forgiveness. Peter stands by the lake when christ has died he is fishing no longer for people but just for fish, but there's fire on the beach and the risen Christ cooking fish, perhaps the same smell of charcoal in Peter's nostrils reminds him of the last time? But this is different, it is the resurrection. The resurrection of hope- of love of life after death. This is the truth the real truth we are immortals just visiting this planet and loved by our creator who is longing to call his creatures home. By reaffirming his love for Jesus three times, by Jesus pressing him to do so- just as he denied it- it is wiping the past it is telling a new story. Peter the forgiven sinner goes on to be the rock on which Jesus builds his church. We are all broken and Christ's message to us all like his message to Peter as forgiven sinners, as we turn in penitence to God- he can use us in ways we can only dare imagine, as we fully surrender to His will, and fearlessly follow him. It is only Jesus who can save us, but through our broken parts his glory can shine in the world- we can be a light when we know we are broken because we cease judging ourselves, so we cease judging others and invite the light of Christ in, through looking to Christ and following his example. We can only do this, if we read the word, so our minds become as his mind is. As we devour the Bible, so our souls are consumed by his all consuming love for us, and from that overflow of love to the world around us we can fill the world with light. It is the water for the parched soul, the fountain of life. The world is still a dark place. The world is still filled with all the challenges and the trials, the difficulties that we must all face. Christ himself did not escape the darkness, he faced it head on - he took up cross and went down into the depths of hell- so that there is no pain you are facing now, that He cannot reach. But, unlike us, He did not deserve to be there. Now His hand can grasp you and pull you out of the pit of that despair, take you up and away from the place of darkness into His marvellous light and love- as you surrender control of things you thought you had in control, that have now taken you over, back to Him. What happens to the darkness when you turn the lights on? It goes, it vanishes, it is banished by the light, so you don't need to try to wipe it away, brush the shadows out of the door, do you? The effort therefore on our part should be in seeking the light, letting more of the light in. The light switch is the Bible, it enlightens our minds to the eternal love of God for the world, for you and for me. Once we grasp that, although Jesus was entirely without sin, he went to the cross to rescue us all, to help us find our way back to God, to open the gate to Eden once more- to allow us to dwell in the eternal garden of his love forever- once we grasp that love and that we are on a journey of 'failing towards it', we can then look with true humility at our situations and our stupid decisions and forgive ourselves, as we are all just 'works in progress'. We can look at those around us in the same light, see them as people on the same journey towards what God wants them to be, people in the dark, stumbling towards the light, sometimes failing and needing a hand up, and forgive them too. We all do foolish, stupid, things, the world is fallen and bad things happen, sometimes they are our own fault and sometimes they are not. But through the bible, the loving word of God, we are given the mindset that will help us focus on the Good, the light, the love and guide us along the true path as we walk side by side with Him, who created us, who loved us from before time and will love us when time is ended. As we read and suffuse our lives with his words, He will help us know the truth because we start to think like God and we so begin to become filled with the goodness of God and His good ideas. We become risk takers and even when we are knocked down by mistakes, we get up again, we are all those 'works in progress' and we are called to be courageous. All good things involve risk, love is a risk. Making the world was a risk, so we are also risk takers and fearless because we know that our purpose is not our own, but before we were even known by our mother, in her womb You (God) know us and You love us and You say we are ' fearfully and wonderfully made'. We are yours. But we have to decide to choose to believe that and then to follow your way, the way that leads not to death but to real life. The way of the cross that then leads to resurrection not simply resuscitation. When we accept that we don't know the way immediately, that we need to seek it out, that it involves effort on our part. Yes, inviting the Lord into our heart is the first step, but then surrendering every part of our life to Him, that is the quest, that is the effort, that is the chasing after Him, as he has chased after us, that is choosing to not be distracted, unless that distraction is a God ordained one. That is Living in the moment, not just swiping our phone, not just being on the Internet browsing. These are not bad things in themselves if they are for a purpose, but if they consume us, we become 'consumers' and we stop being 'creatures' who are called to create and be creative. We need rest, God takes breaks and advises total rest every seven days. We need rest and we need time to recuperate, we need time to stop and be still and take in the scenery, like I am doing this morning by the river. Not just pose for a photo in it, but really take it in. We need to accept that we may never see the kingfisher but it is still there. So I decided this morning, I mustn't be expecting miracle upon miracle, I mustn't be asking for a sign because the Sign is the world all around me. I must just accept that I may be one of these people who hears about the Kingfisher and never gets to see it . I get the Garden all the Year round, but the guests get the Kingfisher. So trusting God is there and that is the truth, whether I feel I can see Him or hear Him, or not. Just trusting Him and seeking Him through meditation on His word, that was the place I ended up yesterday, realising that was key. It was a little bit like the kingfisher that I want to see, but never see and everyone else seems to when they come down to the river, just sadly not me. As I started to reflect, still slightly sad at that thought, that perhaps I was just never going to see the Kingfisher that everybody else sees when they come here, early in the morning. I began to realise that I wasn't quite sure if I even knew what a kingfisher looks like? As I tried to picture it, I remembered a long forgotten story from my childhood. I was five and my favourite knickers were with a kingfisher on the front. Of course I know what one looks like I realised! My mother bought them for me as an emergency 'gift' on our way to picking some fruit on a 'pick all you want' farm day. That morning we had left in a hurry and when I got into the car, I had forgotten to wear some pants. I was in a cotton dress, it was hot. Rather than getting cross, as we were half way there to the farm, my mother prayed we would see somewhere en route to buy some pants (knickers). Just then, we drove past a small village with a pharmacy in the row of little shops. In those days, they used to sell pants (knickers for those of you from the USA reading this!) and such things. So, she stopped on our way to fruit picking, by this little pharmacy and I was allowed to go in and choose the pants (knickers) I wished to. I chose a pair that were bright yellow. They were my favourite pants for years, bright yellow with a king Fisher on the front. I had forgotten about them until today. Today sitting there by the river and feeling I wouldn't be sure what a kingfisher looked like - of course I would - I remembered the knickers. The knickers showed the real love of my mother for the little child that forgot to wear underwear on the one day we were going to definitely need it because we'd be bending over all day and picking fruit! I had forgotten that whole little story until now - those little acts of kindness that embodied who my mother was - a woman totally devoted to God but who never spoke in tongues- and just said simply God didn't grant her that gift. No! But he granted her so much else! She was so nonjudgemental. The story of the Kingfisher underwear was a sign of mercy it reminded me that when we get things a little bit wrong, we can find a way through to something that is actually even better, if we allow love in to reign in that situation. My mother always did. It is a lesson to me to try to too. To be kind to those who make mistakes, to not hold it against them. We all make them. To be like God who gives not just second chances but an infinite number- like good parents do because He is our father and loves us whatever we do. Whatever our earthly parents were like, or whether we even had a father or not, we have an eternal family, father, son and Holy Spirit forever. As I sat by river, deciding whether I was going to watch a video tonight of a kingfisher flying, so that I might not miss it next time, so that I would know what a kingfisher in flight looks like, as I had been told it was just a flash of blue and perhaps I've been seeing it all this time and not noticed, I reflected, perhaps that's how it is for me and God, that I will always be simply hoping and longing for a Sign that is just not going to come and that I should just trust anyway and that's okay. The Bible will guide me, I will get verses that come to me to share and that is okay and pictures I see as I pray for others and myself and that is okay and if I don't get visible signs that's okay. It's just not for me. But oh Lord, how I would love to see a kingfisher - see one now as a sign God loves me and is here in this present moment, listening to my longing to be closer to Him. As I was thinking all of this, a kingfisher landed on the post in front of me and not only did it land, it looked around for quite some time on the post, so that I could really see it was a Kingfisher before flying off and I watched it go. Amazed, I watched it go. It landed on the post in front of me for so long, I even thought of trying to photograph it- and it landed just as I was thinking I would never see one. Just as I was accepting that I would never see one here by the river where many others had and would and that was okay. I found my eyes filling with tears, at a time when I feel life is under such scrutiny for us, it felt as if it was God saying to me, 'look I'm in everything, if you want to see a kingfisher, I will make it land right in front of you, I will make it stay until you really know it is a kingfisher and then you will always know, when you see a kingfisher, that I am present and care about even your smallest needs. You will also know that, when you don't see the kingfisher, I am still there present and loving you and knowing you and wanting you to be the best version of yourself, which will sometimes involve painful, life experiences because when you get things wrong. I need to show you how to put them right. I know what you need. I know the impossibility of what you ask for and I will fulfil it in my own time if it is my will for you and in my own way because I am God. I love you enough, to allow you to grow through your mistakes. But you, yourself arenota mistake. You are not a mistake, but you make mistakes, but I do not judge you and you must not judge yourself, not harshly because you are all works in progress.' Would you judge a house without a roof? Of course not! So do not judge yourself or others around you because they too make mistakes and mistakes teach us things about compassion and humility and mercy and that we are never going to be fully sinless until heaven. Mistakes give us a chance to reform and become whom God wants us to be, to stop and listen to his quiet voice. Now I know the call of the kingfisher, I've seen it and heard it, I will hear the Kingfisher, even when I don't see it because I know it's call, its own song, against all the others birdsongs simply because it stopped for a minute and looked at me and flew off again singing its song as it went. So I will never doubt, even in the moment, even when I cannot feel it, nor see it, God's love for me. I will never doubt that God has a deep plan for my life, and neither should you. But we have a task, we aren't passive, we need to search and seek and find. We need to knock and then we can enter- we need to be active in our reaching out to God and we need to listen to Him each morning, each day, each hour, and the more I listen, the more attuned to His promptings I become, the more I become the person God intended me to be and the less mistakes I hope I make. Or perhaps when I make mistakes - and we all make them- I will not let them define me, but shape me and help me grow and become a better vessel for His spirit of grace... …I am the clay, You are the potter. Mould me into your likeness Lord and make me fit for the purposes you intended for me, whilst here on earth, which you ordained in advance for me to do. If we do not let our experiences define us, if we let them mould us and make us more aware of our need for God, then we grow. Then we learn the best lesson, we are not in control, God is. Although we sometimes think we are, this is a distraction of the enemy to keep us from the truth of God's love for us. When things go wrong, it becomes more obvious that we need to rely on God more, to humble ourselves, to look forward instead of back, back to what we were. Shame, is the natural emotion we should all feel when we have done something wrong, we should not sidestep it, or ignore it, we need to go through it, to own it and when we allow it in, to feel it and live in it, the pain of it draws us back to God, back to seeking his presence and seeing the kingdom of God now in all things. Back to his deep love that whilst we were yet sinners, he died for us so that all who believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life. But we mustn't remain in shame, we are forgiven sinners, and we still sin again, as works in progress. God shows us in those moments of deep despair and need as we cry out to him, not a way back, but a way towards the light. How to regain, not our sense of control, but our sense of being loved and known by the eternal source of love which is what the Father God as shown us through Christ His Son- who says 'forgive them, they know not what they do', even from the cross, so that we can have compassion for ourselves, and for others. We are all sinners, we are all in this journey together learning how to grow more and more like Christ. He fills us with love - which is why it is so important to sing his praise, like the bird, like the Kingfisher does, sing our praises back to God. I can hear the Kingfisher now, even as I still sit here by the river writing this. I cannot see it anymore, but I know it is here. I know it is present. I will never forget it. It will come and go, but I now know when it is near, I can recognise its call. So it is with God, as we steep ourselves in his word, we learn to recognise his voice. When I give myself back to Him, when I turn to Christ in my brokenness and my hurts and anxieties and all the things that someone only halfway through their life will go through, because I am still learning and I don't always get things right. God knows the path I need to tread, as I remember to start my day and end it, listening to his voice through His word, fulfilling the purposes He has for my life, rather than getting distracted by simply Life itself and by my own distorted ideas of what I need to use my gifts for which are for His glory and not my own. So when things go wrong, and they will go wrong, it forces a reset and to look at the areas of your life that have not been fully surrendered to God. Now is the time, there is no better time, to seek Him whilst he may be found. Now when things go right, or when things go wrong, I will be reminded of the Kingfisher and seeing its flight, hearing its cry, even when it's nearby, but I cannot see it. I will be reminded of the lesson that I have been given, to have compassion on those around me, to Judge not that I be not judged, to live a life of love, and be a conduit of that source to inspire others to join in the quest to seeking it, until the source of love returns forever. Blessed be the name of the Lord, His love endures forever! As I focus on this thought, sitting as I am now in the rain under our little gazebo watching the Boats, the birds, and the water and the gentle sound of the rain, washing away and bringing fresh seeds to life, I am renewed, revived and restored again. May you too, grow in the love and life God has for you- the purpose which will always involve risk and pain and death to old habits so that you can live fully again in newness of life and… Be blessed ! Amen! REGAIN LOVE Hope revealed in the wounded hands of Christ. I am a sinner, I am a beginner, Lord, have mercy on the sight. Heal the plight, Of a heart turned open, under bright light. May your warmth flow, May I gain, again, regain. Blot out my pain, Whiter than snow, Through your cost at the cross. The bridge, the bridge To life, to love, to hope above, Through the pain, Gain, regain, regain love. By HO Sunday 6 September This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.