I Went to a Strip Club With My Buddies. Uh, What I Saw There Was Beyond Awkward.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate's sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It's anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I was recently at a strip club for a bachelor party. While I was there, I saw the wife of one of my friends (not present with me) on stage as a performer. She didn't see me, and my friend thinks she's taken on extra shifts as a home health aide, so I know he isn't aware of what she's doing. Do I owe it to him to let him know that she lied to him, or is this none of my business? —Unexpected Dear Unexpected, Since your friend's wife is working as a dancer at a strip club, as opposed to a brothel, there's little concern about the kinds of sexual contact that could affect her health and therefore your friend's health. Some dancers do provide full contact extras in some clubs, but it's not the general norm. As much as she may be lying to her husband about the kind of extra shifts she's working, the two of them could also have come up with a cover story together in the hopes of preventing their community from finding out that she's stripping. He might be aware and lying to you in an attempt to spare their family stigma and social upheaval around a temporary method of making ends meet—not that this kind of subterfuge tends to work for very long. If your friend has been expressing concerns that she's hiding something, I'd consider bringing this up to him. Otherwise, this is between them. Do not say anything to anyone else in your social group under any circumstances, and if you're planning another strip club visit in the near future, choose a different club. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don't submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Thanks! Your question has been submitted. Dear How to Do It, I have a problem that is beginning to scare me. For the last six months, about once a month, I have compulsively tampered with the condoms I use with my girlfriend. I slightly tear them, or even prick them with a pin beforehand. The bizarre thing is, we don't want a child right now. We're both in school, and it would be a massive, unwanted complication. Yet, when the urge comes over me, it feels like a ritual. It's not a conscious decision. It's like watching a stranger do it. So far, she hasn't gotten pregnant. But what scares me is that the urge is getting stronger. It's like it's not enough to know it's wrong; there's a part of me that wants to be caught and have the choice taken away. But then the reality sets in, and the shame is overwhelming. I love her. Yt, I am actively risking it all in a way that would hurt her the most, without her consent or even her awareness. What is wrong with me? Am I just without morals? Is this some intentional self-destruction, or is there something deeper at play? Please help me understand what is happening. —Scared Saboteur Dear Scared Saboteur, I don't think you're without morals—you very much seem to have a moral code and know that your actions are at odds with your own code and that of every other reasonable person. You don't want to be behaving this way, and you know what you're doing is wrong (depending on jurisdiction, the law may consider your actions sexual assault, and you are violating her consent regardless). These are all promising signs. No sexologist or therapist in the world can help you understand what's happening here based on a single letter. You need to tell your girlfriend immediately so she can protect herself, since something in your self-control has definitely stopped functioning reliably. And then you need to have sessions with a licensed therapist or a psychiatrist who also provides therapy. They need to spend time getting to know you, and this needs to begin as soon as absolutely possible. That's where you'll find effective support in understanding what's happening to you and support in regaining control of it. Your university likely has basic resources and might be able to provide or direct you to more robust support. If you have family who can be there for you, call them in as well. You can use the letter you've written here to broach the subject with mental health providers, your girlfriend, family, and anyone else who you need to inform. It does a great job of explaining what you're doing, what you're feeling about those actions, and laying out several alarming aspects very clearly. The Violence Prevention Hotline has resources that may help tide you over until you can get into some kind of treatment, such as a hotline you can call at (888) 664-6652. Reach out for help now, and explain what's happening as clearly as you have here. If you or someone you know needs support, you can call the National Violence Prevention Hotline. The hotline is free, confidential, and available to you or anyone you know who is contemplating violent acts towards others. If you or someone you know needs immediate support, you can call, text, or chat the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. I've recently found myself wanting to be more intentional about sex. Not necessarily in initiating, but in carving out more meaningful, longer sessions of intimacy. My partner and I tend to have sex in quick bursts because it fits our lifestyle; we're often busy and want to do several things in a day. Conversely, I also really want to have these lengthy sessions to really connect and enjoy each other. I'm not sure how to navigate balancing our day-to-day lives with wanting to carve out a good amount of time to have a longer sex session. How would I approach this without making it feel scheduled and artificial? —Length Desired Dear Length Desired, Schedule regular blocks of time for the two of you to be together, with the explicit understanding that the forms that togetherness takes on a given day can be whatever both of you feel like at the time. This way you're protecting your time to spend alone as a couple without putting the pressure of 'on Tuesday at 8 p.m. we will have extended and romantic sexual congress for three hours,' which, yes, can end up feeling very artificial and interfere with connection and being present in the moment. Make the space and use it to talk, read side by side, gaze into each other's eyes, flirt, play games—whatever the vibe is that day. These activities and the regular private time tend to support general intimacy and your individual capacities to slow down, which tend to also help with the kinds of sexual interactions it sounds like you're hoping for. —Jessica I'm a 43-year-old married man who doesn't really seem to get pleasure from blow jobs. I love the idea of them, and I love to see them when watching porn. But when it comes to actually receiving, I run into problems. Firstly, it can become quite painful and at times extremely sensitive, to the point that I pull back or wince. I am uncircumcised, so the head of my penis is very sensitive once uncovered and can be tight at times unless well-lubricated. It gets to the point where I actually don't want to receive anymore…