Attention not advice

I think the answer is that you comfort them.I'm a nice human, of course I'm going to comfort someone who's upset. But how? Most of the time, comfortcomes by way ofadvice, well-meaning words, positivity, reassurance.It's an instinct.And always with good intentions. The downside is thatwe inadvertently ( and deliberately) force our wisdom, our opinions, our perspective onto someone who never asked for them. We assume we know best. We assume that stepping in is thebest course of action.We want to stop the upset in its tracks. And interfering with it is the best way to disrupt it, right?I don't think so. I think there's another way. We can give them our attention.All of it in that moment.No advice.Hold back on our opinions.Give the upset feelings some room to breathe. Rather than attempting to jar someone abruptly out of their feelings, or encouraging them to cover it up, to paint on a smile, to deny or supress their feelings, and put on a brave face, we could just be alongside them. We could simply give them our time and our attention and let the unwanted feeling dissolve of its own accord. Having raised a couple of toddlers to become full-grown adults, it became very clear to me that trying to offer my judgement, my opinion, my advice or any direction to a screaming toddler was pointless and actually exacerbated the situation. Despite the embarrassment of a public toddler meltdown, I learned pretty quickly to just be there: not to try and reason, not to make sense, not to try and stop the feelings from being expressed, but just to let them run themselves out. An upset adult is not that different from an upset toddler. Feelings still need a way out. They need to be expressed. And while they're being expressed, it's not the best time to be offering pearls of wisdom and sage advice. At the peak of upset, the mind isn't rational, it out of kilter, discombobulated. With good reason. If you've heard of the amygdala hijack, a term coined by Daniel Goleman, it explains what's happening in the brain when we're experiencing strong emotion. The amygdala takes over, and the pre-frontal cortex becomes less active. The pre-frontal cortex is all about reasoning and perspective, and whilst it's 'dialled down' the brain is less able to take on board anything reasonable. So no need for advice and good sense at this point, not till the amygdala has relinquished control and the pre frontal context is back in charge. I'm not a neuroscientist, but through my work I've observed that people tend to think better, and feel better, when someone else isn't trying to fix them. It sounds almost too gentle to be useful, or true. People need answers, don't they? Comforting involves doing something, right? What might happen if you were to resist the urge to help in the way you'd usually help? Could you sit with someone and simply stay quiet, no advice queued up, no need to change their feelings, no need for them to be any different. Could you be comfortable with their discomfort?This is a different form of comfort and care. It shows trust int he other person to find their own way through their feelings, in their own time, rather than rushing them there for our own relief as much as theirs.Next time you're with someone who's struggling, think… is what I'm about to offer for them, or is it for me? Who does it really serve? And choose how you offer comfort based on that, conversation by conversation. Dabble with the notion that comfort is something we can 'be' not something we must 'do.' It should never be a performance of our cleverness or how much we care, and should always meet the person where they are with what they need most, in that moment. With joy 💕 💕I'm Bev. I write about what I notice. About being bold, curious, thoughtful and human. I work with leaders who want to fine tune their perception, and see what's hiding in plain sight, so they see reality clearly and take action based on what's true. It changes how leaders lead, takes the effort out of change and smuggles attention into the places where it's needed most. I'm teaching this way of being throughout the autumn. You can read about ithere Thank you so much for reading to the very end. Please do subscribe for free to receive new posts as and when they pop out of my head.