Making peace with the messy in between

'You are awesome.' 'You're holding your own and then some.' 'You're making it look easy.' All lovely compliments that were paid to me recently, from equally lovely people. And yet, reading these comments on a post I had shared about the difficulties of being a female in numerous male-dominated industries triggered the mostintensefeelings of imposter syndrome (or, the healthier reframeDr. Shadé Zahraisuggests: 'imposter phenomenon', the original term having been coined in 1978 by Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes.) Because the truth is, I have been sitting in the middle of a very messy, very frustrating In Betweenfor yearsnow. So much that it inspired the theme and title track of my band's2023 release. The irony of being thrust into debt by pursuing an education to command a higher paycheck for my talents and abilities is not lost on me. And after 3 years of studies, I amstillnot quite sure what to even do with my education, which makes it all the more frustrating. Subscribe now I have to be honest- I don't do well with the unknown. I don't feel like I'm alone in this- many people meticulously craft systems, set up schedules, adopt 4-year plans and the like to give themselves a sense of control, clarity,knowing. I have long been guilty of being this way myself. Yet, in the last year in particular, I feel like I know even less than ever before. And feeling more in control? Absolutely not. Another brutally honest admission:I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what will come after taking steps away from what I've known to be my life for over a decade. So much has been projected onto me, and I've greatly been needing to separate those projections from what I actually know to be my present truth. So often, we take on what others believe us to be- this is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, it can actually be a very lovely thing, especially when others are vision holders for us- when they can clock our highest, most noble, best qualities before we can even see them ourselves. But sometimes their vision no longer fits who we have become. Because deep down, we know we have changed. And, more often than not, people are deeply,deeplyuncomfortable with change. Consistency makes us comfortable - it is one of our species' most primal survival mechanisms, after all. When someone is no longer who we once knew them to be, it unsettles us to the core, as it makes us question our own identities and very reality (whether on a conscious or subconscious level.) Instagram credit: @Artisflora For so long, my professional and public life has largely been tied to being of service to others. Put on the right costume, put on the right show, and people will be happy. Even if it is at the expense of my own happiness at times. The excruciatingly silent burden of having to put on a calm, pleasant face externally on days where I've needed to sob, to scream- to justbe- is a heavy one, especially for those with sensory processing sensitivity like myself (hello to all my fellow Highly Sensitive People.) Don't get me wrong. I feeldeeplyfortunate to have been paid to use my creative gifts and abilities for the last 13 years, and I have always felt animmensesense of gratitude whenever those talents have been genuinely acknowledged and appreciated. That being said, I have been unable to ignore a sense that something has felt profoundly out of alignment for the last few years, and that sensation has only snowballed within the past year. A huge wake up call for this was when my physical health took a nosedive and intuitively, I sensed it was largely due to stress. My body justknew, long before my consciousness had even registered a misalignment. And so, it did the only thing it knew how to order to sound the alarm:it shut down. I have since implemented a daily Zen meditation practice and given up alcohol, but I realized these are merely remedies, not the underlying cure. I have been walking a very delicate tightrope act ever since, tiptoeing along a narrow path of self-prescribed mental and physical health practices. Still, that balancing act is exhausting in itself. I am more tired than I ever have been. Instagram credit: @karma_lodro_gyatso_yip I had been hoping that nearing the end of my educational journey would provide deeper clarity as to what direction to begin pivoting into. Instead, I'm finding myself left with more questions than answers as to what path to pursue, and a rising amount of debt that I had initially set out (and worked so hard) to avoid with the help of hard-won scholarships and grants. To add insult to injury, the countless job applications I've optimistically sent out with carefully crafted and heartfelt cover letters to a myriad of different positions within both the fashion and costuming spheres have either been met with various forms of rejection or- worse yet- dead silence. I wish I could wrap this up on an inspiring high note with some lightning bolt of clarity that has since hit me and finally illuminated the uncertain darkness. It hasn't come yet. But…one thing that I HAVE realized is this- for the time being, I need to take a step away from trying to figure it all out and simply let myself sit in the messy place of not knowing. It's the last thing I want to do- surrender. I have been a fighter my whole life- the concept of 'surrender' stings like a crushing defeat. But (at this moment anyway), forcing clarity is only further exhausting me and depleting my ability to live in the present moment. If you also find yourself in the In Between…perhaps this post will help you feel a little less alone. Let us remember the words of the ancient Persians: 'This too, shall pass.' So…a retroactive (re) introduction, especially if you're new here. Hi, I'm Mather. I'm 43, and my life is very messy right now. It's not perfect, and I'm still figuring it all out. And if you are too, it's okay. Let's learn to sit in the in between. Together. Share Heathen Apostles - The In Between