David Sovka's very helpful guide to Greater Victoria's civic elections

Dave sums up major issues in each municipality, such as in the Highlands: the ongoing challenge of hiding an entire municipality in the forest. At the moment, things are cuckoo-for-coconuts with Canada's former bestie, as seen in trade negotiations and the 'Famous Lakes' category on Jeopardy. Meanwhile, local political news is also heating up: Saturday, Oct. 17, is the next general election for the capital region's 13 municipalities. As you know, local government elections are a key element of a healthy participatory democracy. It's when we gather to debate important issues like: 'Has it really only been four years since the last one?!?' and 'Do I have to?' British Columbia has 161 municipalities, ranging in population from over 630,000 (Vancouver) down to three (North Saanich's Independent Republic of ­Kember, founded in 2016 by my friend Ben). These municipalities can be classified as either a town, village, district or city depending on the size and density of the council. If you live in one of these municipalities — as opposed to, say, an autonomous collective of tech bros on the surface of Mars under King Elon — your local government is responsible for running its own local elections, including voting, counting and reporting results. I, for one, am glad the same people who keep ­lowering the posted speed limit while adding ­unnecessary speed bumps are in charge of fast and ­efficient elections! All municipalities in British Columbia hold elections on the same day, which can put quite a bit of stress on our provincial health-care system, what with fist fights and name-calling breaking out in communities both large and small. Regardless of your municipality, there are a couple of important points to keep in mind during election time. First, your vote matters, so make sure to vote, and vote often! Second, I recommend considering the issues ­important to your municipality, not the candidates themselves. The candidates are just people, and you know what people are like. Besides, some of these people are more like chalk marks on a slate than actual people you can harass at the grocery store. (I should explain that in modern British Columbia municipal elections, a slate is a group of candidates who campaign together around a shared platform.) To help you get ready to vote, I have summarized all of the major issues important to each municipality: Central Saanich (population: unknown) Where is Central Saanich? Also, why is Central ­Saanich? Agricultural land protection versus the stinking rich in North Saanich. Esquimalt (population: 19,302, more when the tide is in) We're not going to have Buccaneer Days if nobody is willing to help with or come to Buccaneer Days. Will poutine restaurant La Belle Patate finally be awarded a Michelin star? Amalgamation with another city. ANY city. C'mon guys, somebody please amalgamate us. Highlands (population: 14) Ongoing challenges of hiding an entire municipality in the forest. Preserving our municipal character, by which we mean our completely bonkers municipal character. Roads: do they have to be this curvy, narrow and hilly? Langford (population: three million) Former seven-term mayor Stew Young runs for mayor. Again. Seriously, he's running again. Expanding the open hours of Costco to always. Housing: What happens when we run out of beautiful forested hilltops to destroy? North Saanich (population: 46, plus another 100 ­currently vacationing in the Hamptons) Does lodging our serfs count towards the NDP's 'Housing Target Orders' program? Agricultural land protection versus isn't this what Central Saanich is for? Oak Bay (population: 18,813) How can we remain crabby and entitled with such a small, elderly tax base? Renaming the city after David Foster, but only if he springs for the cost of tree trimming. Birth control for the filthy, promiscuous deer who can't control themselves. Saanich (population: 125,436) Granting legal personhood to trees. Short-term house rentals and enforcement, at least as long as Premier Stringbeans keeps blaming it for the housing affordability problem. Further reduce the speed limit on city streets to ­negative 10 km/h, requiring everyone to slowly drive backwards. Granting legal personhood to Brussels sprouts. Sidney (population: 13,288) Legally require citizens to complain about the Youths. E-bikes versus the Penny Farthing: discuss. Establishing an official town mascot: the mobility scooter. Sooke and Metchosin (population: none of your damn business) Preserving rural character by not painting our fences or towing abandoned vehicles. Replacing or substantially upgrading the aging fire hall by setting fire to it. Finding the balance between private property rights and neighbours being weirdos. Victoria (population: 102,856, not including the ­thousands on Pandora Avenue) How can we make the downtown experience even worse for businesses, tourists and locals? The Crystal Pool is closing for repairs: IS THIS THE APOCALYPSE?!? Lime e-bicycle rollout: NO, WAIT, IS THIS THE APOCALYPSE?!? View Royal and Colwood (population: ???) Identifying View Royal and Colwood on a map. ­Seriously, where are they again? Transportation congestion. Yeah, that should ­encourage council meeting attendance! Discerning readers may have noted many of these important local government issues are, for lack of a ­better political term, silly. I, for one, am glad that our best and ­brightest minds, plus all the people elected to our municipal councils, have primarily silly issues to solve. You and I are best equipped to deal with silly. God bless Mark Carney dealing with the serious stuff.