A desperate back-to-school letter

I'm Ms. Sanderson and I'm so excited to be your child's teacher this year! As you know, education funding is down across America. As a result, our school's budget is … well, let's just saychallenged, and there are a handful of items that our school board has decided are, and I'm quoting directly, 'not technically necessary for children's education.' With that in mind, we're asking families to pitch in to help ensure a successful year. Here is a list of a few basic supplies we need you to send in with your little one on the first day: Good news! We don't need a school pet. The district was generous enough to provide us with dozens of pets when they eliminated the exterminator budget. In fact, I just saw a few of our little friends scurry by. Who needs a chair when you'd be jumping out of it every two minutes anyway? Unfortunately, our art budget is especially tight. For Arts & Crafts we could use a few basic items: paints, crayons, markers, glitter, buttons, sequins, tissue paper, construction paper, graph paper, poster paper, crepe paper, paper clips, and macaroni, which will come in handy twice. Once for making necklaces and once for making macaroni and cheese, since the cafeteria has been eliminated. Also, one school year's worth of cheese. Lastly, and I can't believe I'm asking this, but does anyone have 30 small classroom desks? You know the kind where the desk is attached to the chair? If not, we're going to need 29 more of those reading rugs. While I have your attention, I should mention that as much as I love an end-of-the-year teacher's gift, what I could really use are some items to get me through thebeginningof the year: 10 jugs of vodka, 20 tins of THC gummies, and if any of you are a doctor and can prescribe Xanax, I'll take as many bottles as you can spare. I'm looking forward to the long, long, extremely long school year ahead!